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| This song is about God's goodness to us when we stray and how much we desperately need Him.
No. 123 - May 2007 to April 2008
The questions on my
mind are all for You.
"...Down the nights and down the days,"1
I spent these three weeks on my own
Caught in the misery failure brings.
So give me the words!
So give me more than a clever rhyme tonight --
(I've been turning away for so long...)
More divine providence inside these lines...
And I've never needed You more.
Were it not for Your heart
That I have barely ever known...
I'd be lost without You, standing here on my own.
Were it not for Your love
That I will never understand...
You would never take my heart and mold it in Your hands.
God, You know I'm shouldering my
Crosses and I'm trying to follow You.
But my eyes are darkness too;
I hate Your light for exposing my half-truths.
But You're the difference, Lord,
'cause we've never had anything we could call magical.2
So save me too,
'cause I have never had anything I could call life on my own.
...So Lord, don't leave me alone!
Were it not for Your heart
That I have barely ever known...
I'd be lost without You, standing here on my own.
Were it not for Your love
That I will never understand...
You would never take my heart and mold it in Your hands.
(Spoken:)
Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
were [we] to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but [our] ears you have pierced.
Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect [us].3
I do not seek to understand so that I may believe.
"My hope is built on nothing else than Jesus's blood and righteousness."
But now I'm trying to believe that I may understand
Your beauty, Lord, and take the most miniscule portion thereof...
That I might love you back.4
Were it not for your heart
That I have barely ever known...
I'd be lost without you, standing here on my own.
Were it not for your love
That I will never understand...
You would never take my heart and mold it in your hands. -------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 - From "The Hound of Heaven," I think. 2
- A quote from Boston Legal character Edwin Poole in a deleted scene
from the pilot, though he was talking about a girl at the time. 3 - Psalm 40:4-6a, 11 in the NIV.
4 - Ideas in the bridge are liberally taken from #123 in The Worshiping Church Hymnal, penned by St. Anselm. (Yes, that's where the title comes from.) | | |
| This is hard to explain. The inspiration behind it is sort of similar to "The Loosing," but it's definitely different from everything I've done before. Many of you know the stories of my turbulent personal life, everything that's gone on in high school...well. This song is the end of that, I think. Over the past month, I started talking to someone again, and had a great time, and everything was sort of heading the way it always does...but I can't do that anymore. I'm well aware by now that I don't have what it takes to foster a relationship. I'm not good enough at acting for the other person. I'm not good enough at laying down my pride, my boredom, my sarcasm, my schedule, and everything else. I can still be charming, I can still say all the right things...But I don't think I can love. I don't think I can make something I'm proud of...I don't think I can be someone I'm proud of. So I let it go. And I'm glad I did, based on the ways other things have developed. This song is about not being able to pull off the intimacy I imply, about running away when trouble comes, and about lying with the fire inside my eyes. And so this song is about laying down your pride and learning from your mistakes.
I started writing this a very long time ago. It's definitely a ballad. It was originally a song with really bad imagery about something similar, how I couldn't love people effectively when my heart was in the wrong place. I think this bridges the gap between my two preferred genres, songs about God and songs about girls.  It uses a lot of borrowed metaphors, mostly from 1 Corinthians 15. I think this is fitting. That chapter is about death, and how the ideas everyone had about death were wrong, and so everything they believed was misplaced. Well, this song is about how my beliefs about how to handle my personal life were wrong, how everything I believed about it was misplaced, and about how that part of me has -- in a way -- died. Definitely give that chapter a read. The quote in the first verse is a paraphrase of one of my favorite lines ever, the closing line of Robert Frost's "Out, Out -- ." You should read that poem if you haven't. The quote in the second verse is from a song by The Long Winters called "Pushover." I left that song on repeat for an hour after the girl about whom I'm writing in this song broke up with me a year ago, and I felt the line was appropriate. I like it. "You make the critics eat their words" is about how the girl was a bit smarter than Daniel thought, haha. The phrase "runaway eyes" was actually lifted from a gibberish song Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert) wrote. I thought it fit what I was going for. The "rhapsody in disguise" line has personal meaning that I won't bother explaining. "Baptized for all of your abandoned graves" is both a reference to a part of 1st Corinthians and a reference to a song I wrote ages ago, of which I am now mildly ashamed, containing the line "These graveside days haven't helped my head." Oh, and I don't view "give them hell" as obscene, and neither did the people I asked for counsel on the subject. If you disagree, I apologize. But enough about that stuff.
I hope you enjoy these lyrics. I hope they make you think hard about how you view your goals in life and in loving other people.
Runaway Eyes - June 2006 to January 2008
Come close, child; I'm the dust of the earth.
And when I blow away, I'll tell you what you're worth.
But I'll rely on starry eyes and karma to atone.
"And since they are not the ones dead, they turn now to their own affairs."
So I'll say farewell and give them hell, but I'll spend these nights alone.
So we'll feign surprise,
And we'll say goodbye to all of the odysseys I made.
Each in his turn, our rivals burn,
Baptized in honor of all your abandoned graves.
I fought off all your enemies for human reasons.
I'll eat and drink and tomorrow I'll be gone. If only for tonight, I'm useless. If only for this life, we're hopeless...
"For you, I'm a pushover," but why am I endangered every hour?
And I'm bad character, to complement all your bad company.
The road to mediocrity is paved with good intentions, and so were we...
You made the critics eat their words,
But where is your sting and where are your loved ones now?
Today I'll give you that priceless smile,
But I die every day...I die every day when you're gone...
I fought off all your enemies for human reasons.
I'll eat and drink and tomorrow I'll be gone.
So I'll save this silence and sit this one out,
'Cause I don't have any of the answers.
You called me your rhapsody in disguise,
But I've got such lovely runaway eyes.
We were immortal when entertained,
But I was sown in dishonor and Christened in vain.
I came to you abnormally born,
And tomorrow we're the last to be destroyed...
I fought off all your enemies for human reasons.
I'll eat and drink and tomorrow I'll be gone.
I fought off all your enemies for human reasons.
I'll eat and drink...and tomorrow never comes.
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| The song explains why I wrote it. And anyone I've told since will know what it's about. If you don't, it's better off that way. (It should be noted that the title line was inspired by Jodie Sanderson, to whom I extend my deepest hockey sympathies, but not really, because the Senators knocked off my Penguins in the 2006 playoffs. Revenge is sweet.)
Musically, this was a weird one to write. I got an early start in June just after the events transpired, but the chorus was what is now the part of the bridge with the title line, the main chord progression was that which follows the bridge and ends the song, and there was a different set of verses (albeit a very weak one). The intro is the only part that remains now exactly as it was then. I scrapped it in frustration (partially due to a blossoming romantic situation, which made me feel I had no need of catharsis), but late one night when I realized I still hated everything, I picked it back up again. I combined the speedy minor-key Gothenburg metal-style riff that came to me so spontaneously and conveniently with a first verse I'd been playing with for a while and a catchy-as-anything chorus that blew the first one out of the water (though the lyrics are a bit subservient to the vocal line in that section, elsewhere there is some pretty fun and scathing material). I threw myself a bone by inserting the former chorus and chord progression as the end of the bridge, but not before writing a (lyrically-better) first section which would build into it. I had to write a fun little segue-riff between the verses and the chorus.
Finally, I had to disclaim the song with another post so I wouldn't come off as a complete jerk, which I probably am...I at least hope I was reasonably nice about it. This song helps me a lot on the nights I get down about everything...and it gives me a good reason to go be depressed about something else. (Oh, and by the way, I imagine I'll reference the artistic clashes as many times as I can fit them in and find it sardonic...if they get boring, let me know.)
Sorry About The Senators - June to October 2007
And I didn't want to write a sad song,
But it was all I had in me.
And I didn't want this...
Now is not the time to rely on poetry.
It didn't take that long…
Or take that much.
The usual going rate --
Ten minutes I'm on the floor...
Or maybe I'm insecure.
Tonight I'll paint my ceiling red
For all my memories of you.
Time well spent is not forgotten easily...
Now I’m giving up on sleep
and letting go.
And swear to God, I'm the savior of the world,
Which puts you in rather unstable hands.
And I’ll run them through your hair
And other places I won’t mention.
I've sold my soul to the faux-dramatic.
You gave your heart to your favorite addict.
But you’ll swear I burned it long ago
And I've given up on the process...
You would think by now I'd be consummate.
You would think by now I’d agree.
You would think by now I'd have overcome the animus in me...
You would think by now I'd have fallen in love.
You would think by now I’d be free.
But I hate that you're gone, and so I wrote a song
About all my twisted traits that made you leave.
Some days I love you like
before.
Some days you’re just an attention whore.
I gladly overlooked those
times…
…When my friends were right…
Tonight I’m throwing up again.
And you deserve it.
You deserve this
masochism.
You inspired it, and you can be sure…
I’ll do the best I can to give back.
You would think by now I'd
be consummate.
You would think by now I’d agree.
You would think by now I'd have overcome the animus in me...
You would think by now I'd have fallen in love.
You would think by now I’d be free.
But I hate that you're gone, and so I wrote a song
About all my twisted traits that made you leave.
I’m sorry that this ever
happened.
Your brother was always such a nice guy
But I did all I could to
make this right and never let it die.
I’m sorry that I made you
cry.
It doesn’t seem that hard.
It wasn’t my intention till today, but January seems so far...
And I’m sorry that this ever
happened.
Your brother was always such a nice guy
But I did all I could to
make this right and never let it die.
I’m sorry that I made you
cry.
It doesn’t seem that hard.
It wasn’t my intention till today, but January seems so far away...
And I’m sorry about the
Senators, and everything I said.
And I’m sorry for the massacre
I inflicted on your head.
And I don’t know if we’ll
ever speak again…
I don’t think I’ll miss it
in the end.
And I have a feeling not to
kiss and make apologies…
But I’m sorry about the
Senators, and everything I said.
And I’m sorry for the massacre
I inflicted on your head.
And I don’t know if we’ll
ever speak again…
I don’t think I’ll miss it
in the end.
And I have a feeling not to
kiss and make apologies tonight.
You would think by now I'd
be consummate.
You would think by now I’d agree.
You would think by now I'd have overcome the animus in me...
You would think by now I'd have fallen in love.
You would think by now I’d be free.
But I hate that you're gone, and so I wrote a song
About all my twisted traits that made you...
…Think by now I'd be
consummate.
You would think by now I’d agree.
You would think by now I'd have overcome the animus in me...
You would think by now I'd have fallen in love.
You would think by now I’d be free.
But I hate that you're gone, and so I wrote a song
About all the [things] I hate about myself. | | |
| This one is a little hard to explain. It's not about physically killing yourself. I certainly do not encourage that.
But it's about how dying to the world and living for God looks insane
to everyone around us, but is really the only hope we have. And it's
about the power of God visible within us. His power is made perfect in
our weakness from the first act of death to all of our own ambitions
and agendas. His victory shines through in our suicide notes.
Inspired by such wide influences as Chesterton's Orthodoxy and a Mountaintop worship band.
Suicide Note - July to August 2007
The pen is in my hand...
I don't deserve this second chance.
Another way out...the only way out of here...
The rain is coming down,
A sign for broken hearts downtown:
All that is in me becoming all I have to make this right.
I'll take this to my grave,
When you're shining spotlights in my face.
One to give for the many...
So what you think is my suicide
Will be the thing that saves me in the end.
I never had a reason to go on.
And I was the problem.
So what you think is my finish line --
As I'm out on my own, lost and alone --
You will find victorious in a suicide note.
I had a dream last night...
...That maybe I was meant to die
For something that is greater than me...or all that I could be...
The tools are in my hands
To kiss goodbye the emptiness...
I've buried all my pride tonight and the walls are coming down...
I'll take this to my grave,
When you're shining spotlights in my face.
One to give for the many...
So what you think is my suicide
Will be the thing that saves me in the end.
I never had a reason to go on.
And I was the problem.
So what you think is my finish line --
As I'm out on my own, lost and alone --
You will find victorious in a suicide note.
You'll give away your only hope
To be a slave to a memory. And tonight
I'll turn away from these worthless things
And take the chains of a greater promise.
I am not conforming to this.
[I] won't look back till I've gone through this...
I'm set free by something you will
Never understand...till you turn around and take this...
So what you think is my suicide
Will be the thing that saves me in the end.
I never had a reason to go on.
And I was the problem.
So what you think is my finish line --
As I'm out on my own, lost and alone --
You will find victorious in a suicide note.
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| This is a song about always screwing up in a relationship with God, and always trying to get back up again, but always failing, and always needing His grace once again. We all struggle with sin even after coming to Christ. But we're not alone. Not only are all our brothers and sisters fighting along with us, but God is with us, forgiving us again and again, and interceding on our behalf.
Inspired by my turbulent spiritual life.
Struggle - May to July 2007
I'm an easy trick to turn the days I
Feel like everything is going wrong.
I can't be alone the times I
Feel like nothing -- the nothing I am...
An easy game to play the times
My virgin promiscuity is
Shot to hell with all the rest of me,
Complete with churchyard apathy.
I'm an easy trick to turn the nights I
Hope to die with crossed heart and a
Vacant stare from lying here so long...
(Desertion set in stone...)
An easy high to get the times I'm
Lower than I've ever been...
I can't sleep at nights, and I can't
Live with myself for another day.
Apostasy extraordinaire...
I never wanted this, I swear
To You, I'm trying to hold on...
And when my double life is through,
I'll be coming home to You...
My fifteen-minute struggle gone...
Now I'm left to struggle on.
I'm dying, but I'll leave no stone unturned...
And when I find an empty space,
I'll throw away all memory of You
And use the darkness as my hiding place.
So my apologies to my Father
And my friends -- the ones who saw me through.
I guess I'm not alone...
Ten thousand fallen down and equally confused...
Apostasy extraordinaire...
I never wanted this, I swear
To You, I'm trying to hold on...
And when my double life is through,
I'll be coming home to You...
My fifteen-minute struggle gone...
Now I'm left to struggle on.
You stand up for me when I'm falling down.
You'll never leave me...You'll surround
Me and you'll tell me that
You didn't bring me here to die alone...
You stand up for me when I'm falling down.
You'll never leave me...You'll surround
Me and you'll tell me that
I'm more than a warrior tonight.
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